By Jerome Taylor
Published: The Independent 30 October 2007
Published: The Independent 30 October 2007
Ask someone in a happy arranged marriage why they let their parents pick their spouse and they often repeat the saying: "In the West, you marry the one you love. In the East, we love the one we marry". You learn to love the person you marry, they argue, because the people who selected them chose so well. Parents and close relatives are the people who know you better than anyone else, so why not let them choose something as important as a life partner?
Now the BBC hopes to bring this philosophy into our homes and hearts with a new primetime matchmaking show to help lonesome singles find the partner of their dreams using the principles of a modern Asian arranged marriage.
Arrange Me A Marriage which airs next month on BBC2 is hosted by Aneela Rahman, a thirty-something British Pakistani who is being heralded as the "Asian Cilla Black".
With such high divorce rates in the UK, Ms Rahman believes the key to successfully finding a life partner is through the principles of a modern arranged marriage in which compatibility is crucial. Only by matching up class, education, family background, life goals and earnings will it ultimately succeed.
She argues her 15 years of marriage to her husband Maqsood, with whom she has two children, is living proof that arranged marriages work and, in a society where more and more people live alone unhappily, a dose of traditional Asian marital medicine may be exactly what we need.
She said: "Most Asians are introduced to potential partners by the people who know them best – their family and friends – and the suitors are selected in a very matter-of-fact way based on who might be most compatible."
"My approach to arranging marriages is pragmatic, focusing on compatibility – looking at shared goals, background, values, education, earning potential but love and attraction is also very important. I don't advocate suitors getting together if they aren't attracted to each other. But I believe that there is a strong chance of making a successful marriage if as many of these key factors as possible are taken into account."
A pilot of the programme aired earlier this year. It received such positive reviews that BBC executives were persuaded to commission a five-part series. The first episode features Lexi Proud, a 33-year-old who moved, aged 16, from the North-east to London and has a string of broken relationships. Aneela believes that Lexi's pattern of failed relationships is down to dating people outside of her class – something with which Lexi strongly disagrees – and so Aneela sets about finding her someone more compatible, using her family as chief advisers.
Geeta Vastavasrivastava, the UK head of the global matrimonial website Shaadi.com, said: "Because an arranged marriage is supported by a family from the start, when you go through a bad patch, you still have the support of the two families that brought that marriage about in the first place. It's something very specific to the Asian culture."
She believes that many people in Britain have trouble with the idea of an arranged marriage because they confuse it with a forced marriage. Geeta said: "The vast majority of arranged marriages are not forced in any way. You can often spend a few months with someone the family has chosen and at the end of it just say no. Ninety per cent of the people I know have decided on their own whether they like the person enough to marry them."
But many young Asians increasingly believe that the concept of an arranged marriage is incompatible with living in the modern world and point to increasing divorce rates among Asian couples.
Aninditha Basu, a 33-year-old lawyer currently fighting off suitors put forward by her family, believes that arranged marriages are simply too artificial for modern times.
She said: "In an arranged marriage both prospective partners only show their best side so you don't get to know the real person. In a love match, you already know everything there is to know about your partner before you take the plunge. For me it's not good enough to hope that love comes once the marriage has taken place. That's too big a risk to take."
Now the BBC hopes to bring this philosophy into our homes and hearts with a new primetime matchmaking show to help lonesome singles find the partner of their dreams using the principles of a modern Asian arranged marriage.
Arrange Me A Marriage which airs next month on BBC2 is hosted by Aneela Rahman, a thirty-something British Pakistani who is being heralded as the "Asian Cilla Black".
With such high divorce rates in the UK, Ms Rahman believes the key to successfully finding a life partner is through the principles of a modern arranged marriage in which compatibility is crucial. Only by matching up class, education, family background, life goals and earnings will it ultimately succeed.
She argues her 15 years of marriage to her husband Maqsood, with whom she has two children, is living proof that arranged marriages work and, in a society where more and more people live alone unhappily, a dose of traditional Asian marital medicine may be exactly what we need.
She said: "Most Asians are introduced to potential partners by the people who know them best – their family and friends – and the suitors are selected in a very matter-of-fact way based on who might be most compatible."
"My approach to arranging marriages is pragmatic, focusing on compatibility – looking at shared goals, background, values, education, earning potential but love and attraction is also very important. I don't advocate suitors getting together if they aren't attracted to each other. But I believe that there is a strong chance of making a successful marriage if as many of these key factors as possible are taken into account."
A pilot of the programme aired earlier this year. It received such positive reviews that BBC executives were persuaded to commission a five-part series. The first episode features Lexi Proud, a 33-year-old who moved, aged 16, from the North-east to London and has a string of broken relationships. Aneela believes that Lexi's pattern of failed relationships is down to dating people outside of her class – something with which Lexi strongly disagrees – and so Aneela sets about finding her someone more compatible, using her family as chief advisers.
Geeta Vastavasrivastava, the UK head of the global matrimonial website Shaadi.com, said: "Because an arranged marriage is supported by a family from the start, when you go through a bad patch, you still have the support of the two families that brought that marriage about in the first place. It's something very specific to the Asian culture."
She believes that many people in Britain have trouble with the idea of an arranged marriage because they confuse it with a forced marriage. Geeta said: "The vast majority of arranged marriages are not forced in any way. You can often spend a few months with someone the family has chosen and at the end of it just say no. Ninety per cent of the people I know have decided on their own whether they like the person enough to marry them."
But many young Asians increasingly believe that the concept of an arranged marriage is incompatible with living in the modern world and point to increasing divorce rates among Asian couples.
Aninditha Basu, a 33-year-old lawyer currently fighting off suitors put forward by her family, believes that arranged marriages are simply too artificial for modern times.
She said: "In an arranged marriage both prospective partners only show their best side so you don't get to know the real person. In a love match, you already know everything there is to know about your partner before you take the plunge. For me it's not good enough to hope that love comes once the marriage has taken place. That's too big a risk to take."
